I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
