I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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