if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
this is an emotional support booty call
Randomize
