if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
