I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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