look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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