So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
