What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I will be naked everywhere
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
