Cold hands, warm shart.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
