The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
