when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
