I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
