Kiss
Puke
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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