If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
