I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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