I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
