it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
