I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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