It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
