Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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