the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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