Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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