How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I will pee on everything he values.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
