Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
