I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
