So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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