I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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