Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
