I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
