I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think a kid would responsible me up
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
