ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
