I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
