I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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