She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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