Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
