last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
