oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
