I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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