I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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