If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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