I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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