census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
