sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
