What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
there was a trapeze. enough said
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
