Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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