i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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