I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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