saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
