Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
