CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I think your dad took our porno
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
