my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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