She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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