i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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