her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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